apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
