I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
