I looked at my own cervix.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
