the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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