i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
