Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Randomize
