your parents love me but you hate me
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
