I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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