remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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