This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
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