Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
