it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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