Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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