Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
two words...techno handjob
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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