piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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