This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
