the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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