Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm too high and old for this...
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
