The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
He shit in the fireplace
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
