She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
