Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
