I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
