I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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