I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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