Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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