I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
