I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
