Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
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