True but thats because hes a fetus.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
