new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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