Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Randomize