So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
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