We're like a lot better than the average bears
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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