My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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