I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
