I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
