I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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