need another drink. this is the easiest way
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
