Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
