Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
