you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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