Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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