dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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