I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
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