Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
i think i just lost a toe
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