mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
