I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
