I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
