She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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