It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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