Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
