oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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