i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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