You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
